Advice about Men

My Man Won’t Get a Real Job

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So you are in a relationship, your man is 30+, and he still works for the local burger flipper shop? You and your man have kids, or the goal to have kids, but he won’t look for better paying job. What do you do?

What you do about this issue depends on what your status is. If you are not married/engaged, not living together, and you don’t have any kids then you have no reason to care what job he has,unless you have goals to have those things soon. If you have been talking about marriage or moving in together then you need to have a serious talk about expectations for the future. Make it clear that it will be very unrealistic to have a family on burger flipper wages (although you don’t have to say it that way).Remember that you are looking for a future, a future where family is number one, unless you don’t care about having a family, in which case you can always just get your own house and pay your own bills. If family is your goal, and soon, make it clear to your man. Make it clear you are specifically looking for a “can doer” not a man who doesn’t care about his future.

If your current status is married/engaged, if you live together (even if you’re not married) if you have children together (even if you aren’t married or aren’t living together) or any combination thereof, then you cannot tolerate a man who refuses to get a big boy job. A man who “can’t” get a bog boy job is a can’t doer. You may have a can’t doer if your man exhibits any of these signs, especially if he exhibits them habitually:

  1. He always has an excuse why he can’t or won’t look for new jobs
  2. He says he doesn’t want every job he could be doing
  3. He refuses to follow up with jobs he has applied for, or doesn’t show up to interviews
  4. He won’t keep jobs that have better pay and better hours for seemingly no reason
  5. Even when he is offered big boy jobs and easy hires by family and friends he doesn’t accept the offer

If your man exhibits these signs you may have one of two major problems with your man: A)Your man doesn’t really want to work or B) Your man doesn’t want a job that allows him to be home more,because he doesn’t want to deal with his family. If your man exhibits ALL of these signs habitually it’s a good guess one or both of these major problems is present.

As woman of the house you need to have an intervention immediately if this is happening. A man who does not reasonably utilize offers, easy interviews,easy hires, or opportunities for better pay, better hours and better jobs, in general is not taking proper cares of his family.

So what can YOU do to get through to your man or fix the two major issues likely causing your man to not get a big boy job? First you can try a conversation, but remember during these important conversations the rules should always be:

  1. No phones
  2. No kids
  3. No guests
  4. No TV
  5. No games
  6. No distractions

You need to directly ask if he is not getting these jobs because he doesn’t want to work or because he doesn’t want to deal with his family and home. See what he says. He likely won’t admit either. If he seems to answer honestly no to both, then perhaps your man has a motivation problem. If he says yes to either question then continue further with more questions as to why?

At the point where you either get no answers or figure out the answers, understand that, lack of motivation, not wanting to work, not wanting to deal with family or the house, are not acceptable excuses not to get a big boy job. If he has reasons home life is not fun for him it is HIS duty to be a grown up and to deal with the issues at home and find resolutions to them by actually voicing the issues and talking to you. His choice not to voice his issues or avoiding un-fixable issues, such as kids being kids and being lots of work, are not reasonable excuses to be gone at a junk-o job all day.

It’s up to you to be diligent in demanding that he take proper care of his family. Men do not do well as stay at home “mommies” because they become jealous and restless. It could actually make home life worse if you go to work and he stays home, but you could try it if it seems like it might work, and you can get a better job than he currently has. Otherwise you need to make it clear you will not tolerate him being a “can’t doer”.

So what do I do if he won’t change? Well he probably won’t change. People either want families or they don’t. A man chooses to be involved or run away, using his job as an excuse to “escape.” He is likely not going to change, ever. My advice is, that if none of the above ideas works, you plan a breakup or divorce as the consequence for the lack of care of the family. A man’s duty doesn’t disappear just because it’s year 2017. He has every responsibility to give his family the best life he can and that includes a mix of good working hours, and pay. Or, you can decide to live poor and unhappy. Keep in mind it may actually be more to your benefit to be poor and single and happy. Happy you don’t have a can’t doer in the way of your future goals.

Decisions are not easy but let’s be real, most women don’t get depressed they don’t have a husband, they get depressed because without a husband women often can’t earn enough to pay the bills and take care of the kids alone. This is not to say we don’t long for a partner in life but that partner must also be longing for us. A man has no purpose in life if he is not protecting, defending and caring for his family.

 

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Advice about Men

Should I Date A Man Who Works Out of State/In the Military/On the Railroad?

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So, you are considering dating someone who works out of state, works in the military or on the railroad? Or maybe you are already dating one, or even married to one and are wondering if you should continue that relationship or not? To answer the question you need to figure out which combination of these people you are; a Passive, an Aggressive, an Independent, a Companionist.

Now, honestly most people won’t fit completely in any one category but you can get a good idea of if this man is right for you by finding out which categories you fit in the most.

Category A-Passives

You may be a Passive if:

  1. You get pushed by someone and do not push back.
  2. You don’t mind if another person makes most of the decisions around you.
  3. You don’t care what you eat or what you do for fun.
  4. You can live anywhere and be happy.
  5. You go with the flow and it doesn’t bother you.
  6. You agree mostly with laws, rules and decisions people in authority make.
  7. You are quiet, meek, soft spoken, easily afraid of things.

Category B- Aggressives

You may be an Aggressive if:

  1. You get pushed by someone and you push back.
  2. You want to make most of the decisions around you or want to be a apart of the planning process.
  3. You want to decide what’s for dinner and plan out vacations and fun time.
  4. You have a particular idea of where you want to live, do not like to move around a lot, like things to stay the way you like them.
  5. You don’t let others persuade you to do anything you do want to do or don’t like.
  6. You challenge laws, rules, and decisions others make, and/or question authority.
  7. You are outspoken, not easily intimidated, fearless.

Category C- Independents

You may be an Independent if:

  1. You don’t need to be around other people to be happy, you like being alone most of the time.
  2. You would prefer to listen to music on your headphones, read books, or go take a nap rather than chit chat with others or join in on social events, even family ones.
  3. You juggle work, school, pay all the bills, never ask anyone for help, even when it would be helpful to do so.
  4. You feel like help is charity and it makes you feel bad to accept it so you don’t.
  5. You have your own business or aspire to have your own business where you are sole proprietor or you strive to be manager or leader of your employer’s business.
  6. If your car gets a flat, you are calm and collected, and fix your own flat tire.
  7. When you make a decision you do not consider anyone else in the decision and do not ask anyone else what they think or feel about it.

Category D- Companionist

You may be a Companionist if:

  1. You would rather be with friends and family most of the time.
  2. You prefer to chit chat, talk on the phone, and play games with others and engage in social and family events.
  3. You have trouble figuring out what to do with yourself, you feel scared to do too much without others, you ask others to help you with things.
  4. You have no issue accepting charity or help because you know you need it and don’t reject assistance.
  5. You want to work for others, or have a family or partner based business.
  6. If you get a flat tire you freak out, don’t know what to do, call your besty, your mom, your mechanic etc for help and feel like the world has come to an end.
  7. When you make a decision you consider it carefully and consider everyone who could be possibly involved or effected, you call up your besty to ask what she/he thinks about it, you include others in the decision.

So add up how many of each example best fits you in each category. My guess is most of you will fit into two of the categories almost equally; Passive-Independent and Aggressive- Companionist. This may at first seem strange, shouldn’t the passive be also the Companionist and shouldn’t the Aggressive be also the Independent? Of course you can be as well, but I think you will find my guess to be accurate most of the time.

So who is and is not compatible with a man who works out of state/in the military/for the railroad?

If you fell into Passives, you are a good match for a man with one of these jobs because you are already the type of person who is willing to do whatever your man wants you to do. If he wants to move for his job, you’ll probably come with. You probably won’t argue over much with him and he will like that since he’s gone most of the time and wants things to be his way because of his job choice. You will likely adjust to any situation arising from his job.If he says “I want to leave for four weeks to train on a mini gun.” You’ll say “Ok.”

If you fell under Aggressives, you are NOT a good match for a man with one of these jobs. You are probably not going to do whatever he wants or needs you to do to put up with his career choice. You are probably not going to tolerate him making all the decisions which he will basically do because life will be all about his career choice. By default you will be unable to work with him in the long run because his career will always be more important to him than what you want to do with life. This will likely cause a serious clash.

If you fell under the Independents category then it’s ify. On the one hand, you could do well since you aren’t going to be sad if he is gone as much as you might if you weren’t so ok with being by yourself. You’re very capable and happy to deal with things while he’s gone and not need him a lot. On the other hand if you are too self centered, you may clash if you simply don’t really care that much if he’s home or not. Some guys who work these jobs are great family men while most frankly are not. So this one is up to you to think about.

If you fell under the Companionist category you are not a good match for a man like this unless he is a solid family man when he is home and IF when he makes decisions about his career he consults first with you which is unlikely and rare, but possible. For the most part though he will be gone most of the time. When he is home he will likely find excuses to sleep or be gone more. He may also spend more time with friends and others than you and that won’t work for you. He will probably expect you to be independent but this doesn’t work for a Companionist. He will likely not be available for holidays, family events, children’s’ concerts, dances, games, recitals etc. A Companionist wants someone who is there with them at these events as much as possible.

If you fall into a combination of categories take the time to decide the consequences of the outcome of your personal combo. Remember in general these men will have no time for you or children, will likely not want a woman who has her own ideas and goals for the future unless those are his goals and ideas as well. He will probably miss most family and social events. If this is ok with you, then go for it, if it is not, say no.

 

Advice about Men

His House, or Our House?

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Feeling left out of the big picture? Are you not sure if the house you live in is his, or both of yours? Then pay attention closely… YOUR home is any home you live in. So if you live with him in “his” house, you are still in YOUR house too. If a man invites you to live with him, then he is inviting you to live there and for that to be your house.

It doesn’t matter if it is an apartment, duplex, home, or weather it’s rented or owned or who’s name it is in. Now legally it is the home of whoever is on the lease or mortgage so yes if you split up the one on the title is gonna get to keep it unless a judge orders otherwise, but in reality at the time you are living there it is YOUR home and HIS home.

It’s perfectly fine for everyone to have their own personal possessions, like clothes, toothbrush and shoes but the resources of the couple are BOTH of yours. Why? Because you cannot be in a serious relationship with commitment if you cannot share as one entity. That entity is called family. He cannot treat the house as only his or he is breaking his promise to you that this is your home. It cannot be your home if you have no say what occurs there or get overruled by him.

It doesn’t matter if there is an issue of remodeling, moving things around the house or even what utilities to have or not have, it’s all the same. It’s YOUR right to have a say as an adult and to be respected in that fact. It is NOT ok for him to say things like “This is my house and it’s how I’ve always had it.” or  “I’ve had these curtains for years. Their mine, I’m not changing them!”

While at first glance this may sound silly, these situations can cause serious rifts in relationships. As well they should to be honest, you should never be ok with being treated as unimportant or as inferior in your own home. It makes no difference if you are legally married or not, you are in effect married when he asks you to share a life and home with him. A marriage license is just paper.

If many of your conversations with him end in reactions that start with, or end in some c version of :”….. this is my house,” then you need to stop what you are doing now and pack up your bags and move out. This is likely a sign of a selfish man. In which case I urge you to read my blog post “Is My Man Selfish.. and What to Do.” Selfish people think largely about only themselves and what they want out of life and that includes their career choice, house, car, what they do at home, how it looks, where they go all day etc. A person who invites you to live in a home that becomes yours too yet expects you to follow some kind of guidelines as though you are a child, is in fact, a child themselves. Many men make this crucial mistake, thinking not being married but living together is somehow different than living together married. It’s not. There is no difference and their responsibility to you is the same. If they see no fairness or value in your will to make the house your own and won’t even consider your ideas because they feel the final say is with their-self then you are not in your home, not in a relationship and not in a family. You are in effect his “child.” He will set rules and boundaries for YOU an adult, in YOUR home, and that’s not ok.

I don’t suggest giving him lots of chances or conceding on your will and plans for YOUR mutual house or you will be doing it all the time. It’s likely there is no chance he is marriage material if he cannot accept this is your house too. You don’t have to break off the relationship but you probably will not get to the point of leveling up to marriage and moving in together again because he will likely not ever pass the “me, me, me” stage. If marriage and kids are not important to you then perhaps a relationship living apart is possible. If you already have children, sorry but I don’t believe this is a reasonable excuse to live with him. If you stay, you teach your kids this is how a man treats his woman, this is how a man treats his family. You also teach your kids that this is how a woman must be treated and she has no say in her home because she is inferior to her man.

You must always hold your own in the relationship. If you live there the home is yours too and you may not always agree on everything.  You may decide to concede after a reasonable, fair conversation about the house, but you cannot be HOME if you aren’t even allowed to be equal in that say.

So if a conversation ever arises before moving in with your man, make sure you bring up this important issue. Be sure he understands that if this is the step he wishes to take, then this will be your home too and that this will mean family and family choices. Don’t bother with trial move-ins, there is no such thing. A short stint is not going to be a realistic reflection of long term living situations. Frankly you need to wait until your comfortable or throw yourselves into it and see. A good man will treat you right. If you both want to figure out if living together is a good idea then I suggest spending as much time as possible with each other while NOT yet living in the same home. If your man is stand-offish or seems annoyed at you wanting most of his time, or if you want to start making family like oriented plans and he seems like he’s too busy or annoyed, if he’s more interested in his friends than you, if he spends most of his time gone, if  he won’t eat meals with you, then red lights should be going off. He’s not ready for family life. A man must prove he can be family before he lives as family.

Even if you guys have any kids together, but not yet living together these signs are signs he isn’t marriage or family material.

Advice about Men

Is My Man Selfish…and what to do.

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It doesn’t matter if you are married or not, or if this is your boyfriend/fiance’ or husband, the advice is the same for each. If you are here reading this because you just did a search for something like :” Is my husband selfish” or “What to do about a selfish man.” Then the answer is YES, your man is selfish otherwise you would not have done this search.

So now that we have established your man is selfish we need to first discuss what is NOT occurring…

  1. You are NOT being too pushy, naggy, controlling or too sensitive
  2. You are NOT the issue
  3. You are NOT responsible for HIS actions directly
  4. and You are Not doing yourself any favors questioning if it’s you who is the problem and not him, because it’s him.

Now, if you are still questioning the above, then leave this blog now and shut off the phone/computer and go back to beating yourself up and questioning yourself and coddling your selfish man until you’re ready to get real and solve the real problem…him. If you’re ready to stop questioning yourself, then let’s continue to what IS occurring.

  1. Your man is selfish
  2. your man is lazy physically (even if he works he’s probably too lazy to fix the fence right?)
  3. Your man is lazy mentally ( not to be confused with stupid) ( he has an excuse to not talk about anything important and won’t make any decisions about anything important to you.)
  4. Your man is insensitive
  5. Your man is probably wishing he was single (but being single doesn’t have.. certain benefits for him.)
  6. Your man is not being an equal partner
  7. Your man is not marriage material
  8. Your man is likely not parent material
  9. You are probably coddling him and excusing him even when you don’t realize it

If by now you are thinking this sounds nothing like my man then you know what to do by now. Come back when you’re ready to get real. You came here because you are fed up with a selfish man and just want confirmation he is selfish from someone else but you don’t need it, you already know better. What you’re REALLY here for is to find advice on what to do to change your selfish man. So here it is: NOTHING.

There is literally nothing you can do to change a selfish partner. He will not ever listen to you, or care enough to change. Frankly it’s not even really a matter of understanding. Your man understands just fine but he doesn’t care and that’s what you have to accept about the situation. You can talk about things till your mad and blue in the face but it will not matter, because he doesn’t care because he is selfish and wants everything his own way. It’s blatant, it’s blunt, it’s depressing, but it’s true, he does not care. No matter if he says he does, he is lying. If he cares about anything, he cares about himself and keeping you compliant with his selfish ideal of a woman who shuts up and doesn’t expect anything from him. Even if it seems like he does once in a while, he is likely lying or just placating you to get you stop talking about it and to probably get his way. He probably doesn’t mean it and won’t do anything he promises. Even if and when he does anything he promises, he will stop soon enough because he will quickly become tired of doing the right thing because it cuts into his selfish “me, me, me” time.

So, by now you are either saying this isn’t what I wanted to hear, and I don’t know about this advice so far, and I think my man can change. Then you know what to do!!! Come back later. Now if you are still here probably mad and or crying by now hearing the truth I know you already knew in your heart and mind, then let’s move on to what you CAN do.

  1. You CAN get a divorce if you are married and move on in life without your selfish man in your home.
  2. You CAN break up with and break off all contact with your boyfriend/fiance’ and move out of his house or kick him out of your house if you live together.
  3. You CAN get child support if you have kids and you can hold him responsible if need be IF you don’t poop out on yourself and laze around waiting to do it.

If you are by now saying, this isn’t what I wanted. I don’t want to leave the relationship. Then you know what to do. Come back later. But if you are ready to make real change then you need to do the only thing YOU can actually do about your selfish man, which is to end the issue by ending the relationship. There is no magic answer.

Now some of you are now at the point and time of maybe spouting off religious or philosophical nonsense about marriage, but don’t bother. First you can change your own philosophy anytime you need to. Second, while I can’t touch on every single possible religion I can say the main 3 in the world ALL have divorce in their bibles and also command a man to treat his wife as he would himself, and also paraphrasing “a man who does not take care of his family is worse than a non believer.” I am of the philosophy that there is only but one life and one chance at happiness in one plane of existence and that is right here right now. It is therefore up to you to decide if you want to waste it unhappy based on a misrepresentation of the main 3 bibles’ passages about marriage or if you may now actually go read them in their entirety to find the passages that speak of bad husbands and divorce.

So maybe you think a counselor or religious leader can help you? NO. They are just as helpless as you are in doing anything to change your selfish man. They can spout of any number of things but it will go in one ear and out the other of your selfish mans head. So I personally wouldn’t bother. Wasting time equals more life lost that could be stress free for you. Don’t sit around and wait for him to change, it won’t happen. Yes it really is that simple while perhaps being emotionally disheartening it is simple to do. Now if you are bound and determined even after reading this to stay, then there is only one final option for you….. accept your man is selfish, accept he is never going to change and accept the unhappiness that comes with that option.

Remember the only person who can change your man is him and you don’t owe him any time to figure it out or to do it. IF by some miracle someday he truly does change, which I doubt , and even if you think the change is real, do not sit around waiting for it. Make him come to you. I personally don’t recommend believing him but likely he will not come knocking later because he is too selfish to change.

If you are mad you didn’t find any bologna sappy advice here, then I’m not sorry. This is what real advice looks like. You want change, I have given you the advice you need to get it. The choice is yours.