In this day and age we see that more and more, people are choosing for one reason or another not to get married or are divorcing at “alarming” rates. While the media seems to think the reason is because people are just stupid and rush into marriages the reality is we actually take much, much longer to get married today than any other time in history and the main reason for divorce is financial arguments. Legal definitions such as “irreconcilable differences” don’t really say it right. Now, why do I put alarming in parenthesis? I put it in parenthesis because I don’t actually view the number or rate of divorces as at all alarming. I believe in divorce, the right to choose to no longer have to be married to a person you cannot love or cannot function with in a family.
What does financial issues really mean? In almost all cases it means the adults cannot agree on family finances. So by nature this means that one partner or the other isn’t providing income, is under employed, is wasting family money, is irresponsible with money or something along these lines. What the statistics don’t touch on is the fact millions of women have been left with no real choice but to get a divorce because their man refuses to take care of his family or won’t stop complaining about taking care of his family. This is equally prevalent in why women who are not married to their men refuse to make the leap to marriage.
Remember financially caring for your family is only one way in which you care for your family but not taking financial care of your family is usually the “straw that broke the camel’s back” when it comes to women’s level of tolerance. A man has a duty to do more than just financially take care of his family. He has a duty to be present, to provide physical and emotional support, to discipline and aid with the children, to ensure that he keeps up the family house and property, to protect and defend and to be involved in the lives of his family.
What else doesn’t get noticed in the simple statistics is that women often divorce because their men do not want to help take care of the children. This is especially undesirable since most women choose to work at some point in time even when they have young children. Women just don’t have time to do it all and men are not taking up the slack and in many cases blatantly ignore their own children. Women would rather attempt to do it all on their own, and why shouldn’t they? Why should a woman be in a relationship with a man if she is doing all the duties of both people? There’s no real point to that and it’s really not even a relationship if she can’t have any expectations of him.
If you have a man who is actively complaining to you about taking care of the family, then you need to have a real conversation about what his problem is exactly (i.e. does he want you to get a job, is he sick of being married). Your man will almost never come right out and say “I am sick of taking care of my family.” So here are some things he might say that can elude to the fact he is not wanting to provide for his family:
- He gets upset every-time he doesn’t get as much sleep as he wants and says things like “I’m tired, I need my sleep because I work.” (Insinuates you do nothing of value for the family.)
- “Why do you need this?” (Questions your ability to make adult decisions.)
- “I don’t have enough money for that.” (Even though that seems ridiculous on his income.)
- “I don’t think you need that.” (Notice the word “you” is applied yet he presumes to speaks for you.)
- “Why should I be the only one to work” (Again insinuating it’s not his duty to provide for his family.)
- “There’s no reason you can’t work.” (Yet you have 3 children under the age of 10 who need your care.)
- “I’m too busy to do that.” (By busy he means he has created things to go do outside the home and family he doesn’t need to do.)
- “I’m going to go to my friend Johnny’s house.” (He says this when he knows you need him at home.)
- “We don’t have money to fix your car.” (Then he gets in his pimped out man car and drives to his friend Johnny’s house to drink beers.)
In addition to saying things your man may also show behavioral signs he no longer wants to take care of his family such as:
- He takes a job that makes it so he is gone most of the time or gone during hours the kids are home.
- He takes on more hours or another job but he doesn’t need it. He doesn’t seem to be providing any additional income to the family despite having more pay.
- He sleeps all day long or mopes and lazes around when he has days off instead of spending time with family.
- He works at night and sleeps during morning hours when the family is getting ready for school and eating breakfast, even though he could wait to sleep until the kids are gone at school.
- He eats meals separate from the family/ often says he’s not hungry.
- He spends more time at friends’ houses than at home or with the family.
- He doesn’t want to spend any money on the family, or he doesn’t want to go anywhere or plan any activities or events with the family.
- He often claims he/the family cannot afford things that you in fact can.
- He hides his income, withholds his pay from you.
- He buys himself things he doesn’t need when the family has needs without consulting you.
- He refuses to talk about or adhere to a family plan and or budget.
- He wants to stay home more often than not, rather than go with family to things.
- He won’t talk to anyone, and does this often. When he does talk he snaps at everyone.
- He talks about quitting his job all the time even though he has made no effort to arrange a new job.
Remember this is the ultimate number one reason for divorce all around and generally it is women getting the divorces because women and children are usually the target and victims of this attitude problem. Obviously there is a difference between a man who does not take care of his family and man who complains about it. However who really wants to stay with a person for years who cannot stop complaining about the people he supposedly loves so much? Everyone complains and sometimes people vent and lash out when they are mad, tired, or hungry, and it is important for families to talk and to stand up to each other. You cannot beat around the bush and expect results, that includes men and women. If you are sick of providing all the income and think you have a reasonable complaint then say it out loud and say why. If you are sick of listening to your man whine and claim you are not working when you take care of 3 under age ten children all day and do all the house work then say it out loud.
Make sure when you talk about anything this important that you sit down with NO kids in the house (or in the room if that is not practical). Make sure you are not distracted by anything. NO phones in hand, no texting, no phone calls, no tv, no games, no guests. Just you two sitting talking. If you cannot get your man to do this then tell him you have had enough and you want a divorce/want to end the relationship and wont tolerate a man too busy or too bitter to sit and have family talk time. Family talk time is the most difficult thing to get done and to find time for in a relationship because everyone is legitimately busy a lot. However, most people also don’t do enough to cut the crap and put stuff they don’t need to do aside to make time for family talk time. Family talk time is NOT family meeting time, it’s adult only time. You have to be able to have this or the relationship is doomed to continue down a spiraling path of dissatisfaction. The bottom line is a man who cannot or will not do this is not family material. He is not relationship material either.
A man cannot live only in his own little world in his head, and can’t expect his family to tolerate him creating a world where he is too busy , too hostile or too lazy to join in on the family time. A man must build his family up, not tear it down. If a man complains publicly about his family he should be ignored and shamed. I mean that literally. A man should NEVER ever disrespect his family in public, it’s a disgrace. A man who does this often does not deserve his family and should be ignored as he ignores his family.
Remember girls you only have to put up with what you tolerate. You do not need a 4th “baby” to take care of, you need a man, a real man. Real men provide and don’t cry like little children about it. It’s not worth it to drag out empty relationships with men like these. You are not a free sex buddy and your kids are not his visitors. If your man can’t hack it, find someone who can.