Advice about Men

My Man Won’t Get a Real Job

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So you are in a relationship, your man is 30+, and he still works for the local burger flipper shop? You and your man have kids, or the goal to have kids, but he won’t look for better paying job. What do you do?

What you do about this issue depends on what your status is. If you are not married/engaged, not living together, and you don’t have any kids then you have no reason to care what job he has,unless you have goals to have those things soon. If you have been talking about marriage or moving in together then you need to have a serious talk about expectations for the future. Make it clear that it will be very unrealistic to have a family on burger flipper wages (although you don’t have to say it that way).Remember that you are looking for a future, a future where family is number one, unless you don’t care about having a family, in which case you can always just get your own house and pay your own bills. If family is your goal, and soon, make it clear to your man. Make it clear you are specifically looking for a “can doer” not a man who doesn’t care about his future.

If your current status is married/engaged, if you live together (even if you’re not married) if you have children together (even if you aren’t married or aren’t living together) or any combination thereof, then you cannot tolerate a man who refuses to get a big boy job. A man who “can’t” get a bog boy job is a can’t doer. You may have a can’t doer if your man exhibits any of these signs, especially if he exhibits them habitually:

  1. He always has an excuse why he can’t or won’t look for new jobs
  2. He says he doesn’t want every job he could be doing
  3. He refuses to follow up with jobs he has applied for, or doesn’t show up to interviews
  4. He won’t keep jobs that have better pay and better hours for seemingly no reason
  5. Even when he is offered big boy jobs and easy hires by family and friends he doesn’t accept the offer

If your man exhibits these signs you may have one of two major problems with your man: A)Your man doesn’t really want to work or B) Your man doesn’t want a job that allows him to be home more,because he doesn’t want to deal with his family. If your man exhibits ALL of these signs habitually it’s a good guess one or both of these major problems is present.

As woman of the house you need to have an intervention immediately if this is happening. A man who does not reasonably utilize offers, easy interviews,easy hires, or opportunities for better pay, better hours and better jobs, in general is not taking proper cares of his family.

So what can YOU do to get through to your man or fix the two major issues likely causing your man to not get a big boy job? First you can try a conversation, but remember during these important conversations the rules should always be:

  1. No phones
  2. No kids
  3. No guests
  4. No TV
  5. No games
  6. No distractions

You need to directly ask if he is not getting these jobs because he doesn’t want to work or because he doesn’t want to deal with his family and home. See what he says. He likely won’t admit either. If he seems to answer honestly no to both, then perhaps your man has a motivation problem. If he says yes to either question then continue further with more questions as to why?

At the point where you either get no answers or figure out the answers, understand that, lack of motivation, not wanting to work, not wanting to deal with family or the house, are not acceptable excuses not to get a big boy job. If he has reasons home life is not fun for him it is HIS duty to be a grown up and to deal with the issues at home and find resolutions to them by actually voicing the issues and talking to you. His choice not to voice his issues or avoiding un-fixable issues, such as kids being kids and being lots of work, are not reasonable excuses to be gone at a junk-o job all day.

It’s up to you to be diligent in demanding that he take proper care of his family. Men do not do well as stay at home “mommies” because they become jealous and restless. It could actually make home life worse if you go to work and he stays home, but you could try it if it seems like it might work, and you can get a better job than he currently has. Otherwise you need to make it clear you will not tolerate him being a “can’t doer”.

So what do I do if he won’t change? Well he probably won’t change. People either want families or they don’t. A man chooses to be involved or run away, using his job as an excuse to “escape.” He is likely not going to change, ever. My advice is, that if none of the above ideas works, you plan a breakup or divorce as the consequence for the lack of care of the family. A man’s duty doesn’t disappear just because it’s year 2017. He has every responsibility to give his family the best life he can and that includes a mix of good working hours, and pay. Or, you can decide to live poor and unhappy. Keep in mind it may actually be more to your benefit to be poor and single and happy. Happy you don’t have a can’t doer in the way of your future goals.

Decisions are not easy but let’s be real, most women don’t get depressed they don’t have a husband, they get depressed because without a husband women often can’t earn enough to pay the bills and take care of the kids alone. This is not to say we don’t long for a partner in life but that partner must also be longing for us. A man has no purpose in life if he is not protecting, defending and caring for his family.

 

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Women in Society

Is Marriage Realistic for Modern Women?

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Now this is the big question for women that women oddly often never ask themselves: Is marriage realistic for me in this era? Women are usually groomed from birth to daydream and ponder their future life about who they are going to marry, where they will live, what their house will look like, and how many kids they will have. In fact, I seem to have very fond memories of childhood in which we played lots of silly games with paper that would predict who we would marry and what their name would be and etc. Lots of fun, but it wasn’t until this year that I realized how silly all of that really was and how girls should be brought up wondering what they will do for themselves and what they will do to become the best person of their own right, and not necessarily defined by other people (i.e. their kids, a husband).

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting kids or a family but perhaps we spend too much time worrying about that when it’s only just a part of our lives not the entire thing. Women have had to set aside the rest of their lives for the benefit of their husbands and children for thousands of years and while this is the highest most respectable thing a mother and wife can do for her family, that is, to sacrifice for others, it is not necessarily the best thing a woman can do for herself.

In the modern era women more and more are reaching out for more than just the homemaker/wife life. So the question is, is marriage an old out dated tradition that really just keeps women down? Frankly I think the answer is yes. Not that it can’t work for some couples, not that I especially love broken homes or separated families, but there seems to be very little room in society, at least ours, despite being modern, for women who actually want to be individuals as well as moms and wives. Is it honestly possible for us to keep believing that two individuals can become one, magically because they wear fancy clothing and have a spiritual priest say they are married? I really don’t think so.

Evidence shows more and more that women are moving away from the idea of man as head of household, and of being arbitrarily morphed with their husband’s identity. Even laws now separate husband and wives in certain areas of law. Women are not so much taking the last names of their husbands anymore. Hyphenating their last names has become the new trend while some actually keep their original last name or even have the husband change their last name to theirs. Children are also being named after their mother’s last name or being hyphenated out of respect for both parents as opposed to only the father. In this trend we can see women are tired of being Mrs. Man. They want to be an individual as well as a family. There is nothing wrong with this. Men have always been allowed to be individuals and wives ought to as well.

For the most part women are now educating themselves and have been fighting back and forth between needing/wanting to stay home with children for financial reasons or because they want to take care of their own children, and going to work or school or just exploring life a bit on their own. These decisions would be a lot easier to make if we did not live in a world that expects women to do nothing but dream of their future life as a bride of a man, or mother of her children or wife of her husband. I could go one with specifics but I want to keep this post simple today. Society does not afford women the opportunities to do all they want to do. It’s not just because of financial limitations but because society expects women to give up what they want and give up their individuality as a wife/mother.

I think that each woman has to decide for themselves if they need or want to be married. I think this society has unfairly stigmatized women with the responsibility to be married and have a husband that takes care of them in order to function without being in poverty. The fact is, most women cannot earn enough to live without a partner which has been the root cause of most of women’s fight for individuality and independence. Phylilis Schlafly said (after the Paycheck Fairness Act was blocked by congress) that; “Women who make as much as men wouldn’t find good husbands.” This tells you alot about her generation. Now in respect Mrs. Schlafly has recently died (rest her soul in peace) but perhaps it resonates the death of an era of women brain washed into being reliant on husbands to live life? How often do we hear the term welfare queen, but never bother to ask why women can’t earn enough money to live without a husband, or why her husband or child’s father is not providing for his family?  This makes women feel like it’s all up to them to keep a family together. Isn’t it true we don’t think anything of it when men are single and have kids?

The possibility that marriage just isn’t the modern answer for society has rarely openly crossed the minds of our people. While I do make posts on advice on how a family, a man, a woman, a wife or husband should behave in relationships, and do in reality hope for everyone that family can work out, this does not change the question as to whether marriage is truly working for our society at this point. We simply do not afford women the life they deserve, and if a marriage is going to work well in this era it will have to be one that does for women what society does not do, which is to allow for her to be an individual with equal rights and respect and to not just be the one that a husband dumps the kids off on while he runs off to invest in his own career and life away from home. Until this day comes when both society and families do this, women I think, may need to have respite for a few centuries from marriage, to move forward to push this society into a future where women are rewarded for being dedicated moms, rewarded fairly for their work, where women’s jobs bring in real earnings, where we don’t morph them with their husbands. A society where they can be allowed to breath, spread their wings. be sick without penalty, take a break and not be expect to be the super human sacrificial lamb of the family.

What do you think?

Family Issues w/Your Man, Uncategorized

What to Do About A Man Who Complains About Taking Care of His Family?

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In this day and age we see that more and more, people are choosing for one reason or another not to get married or are divorcing at “alarming” rates. While the media seems to think the reason is because people are just stupid and rush into marriages the reality is we actually take much, much longer to get married today than any other time in history and the main reason for divorce is financial arguments. Legal definitions such as “irreconcilable differences” don’t really say it right. Now, why do I put alarming in parenthesis? I put it in parenthesis because I don’t actually view the number or rate of divorces as at all alarming. I believe in divorce, the right to choose to no longer have to be married to a person you cannot love or cannot function with in a family.

What does financial issues really mean? In almost all cases it means the adults cannot agree on family finances. So by nature this means that one partner or the other isn’t providing income, is under employed, is wasting family money, is irresponsible with money or something along these lines. What the statistics don’t touch on is the fact millions of women have been left with no real choice but to get a divorce because their man refuses to take care of his family or won’t stop complaining about taking care of his family. This is equally prevalent in why women who are not married to their men refuse to make the leap to marriage.

Remember financially caring for your family is only one way in which you care for your family but not taking financial care of your family is usually the “straw that broke the camel’s back” when it comes to women’s level of tolerance. A man has a duty to do more than just financially take care of his family. He has a duty to be present, to provide physical and emotional support, to discipline and aid with the children, to ensure that he keeps up the family house and property, to protect and defend and to be involved in the lives of his family.

What else doesn’t get noticed in the simple statistics is that women often divorce because their men do not want to help take care of the children. This is especially undesirable since most women choose to work at some point in time even when they have young children. Women just don’t have time to do it all and men are not taking up the slack and in many cases blatantly ignore their own children. Women would rather attempt to do it all on their own, and why shouldn’t they? Why should a woman be in a relationship with a man if she is doing all the duties of both people? There’s no real point to that and it’s really not even a relationship if she can’t have any expectations of him.

If you have a man who is actively complaining to you about taking care of the family, then you need to have a real conversation about what his problem is exactly (i.e. does he want you to get a job, is he sick of being married). Your man will almost never come right out and say “I am sick of taking care of my family.” So here are some things he might say that can elude to the fact he is not wanting to provide for his family:

  1. He gets upset every-time he doesn’t get as much sleep as he wants and says things like “I’m tired, I need my sleep because I work.” (Insinuates you do nothing of value for the family.)
  2. “Why do you need this?” (Questions your ability to make adult decisions.)
  3. “I don’t have enough money for that.” (Even though that seems ridiculous on his income.)
  4. “I don’t think you need that.” (Notice the word “you” is applied yet he presumes to speaks for you.)
  5. “Why should I be the only one to work” (Again insinuating it’s not his duty to provide for his family.)
  6. “There’s no reason you can’t work.” (Yet you have 3 children under the age of 10 who need your care.)
  7. “I’m too busy to do that.” (By busy he means he has created things to go do outside the home and family he doesn’t need to do.)
  8. “I’m going to go to my friend Johnny’s house.” (He says this when he knows you need him at home.)
  9. “We don’t have money to fix your car.” (Then he gets in his pimped out man car and drives to his friend Johnny’s house to drink beers.)

In addition to saying things your man may also show behavioral signs he no longer wants to take care of his family such as:

  1. He takes a job that makes it so he is gone most of the time or gone during hours the kids are home.
  2. He takes on more hours or another job but he doesn’t need it. He doesn’t seem to be providing any additional income to the family despite having more pay.
  3. He sleeps all day long or mopes and lazes around when he has days off instead of spending time with family.
  4. He works at night and sleeps during morning hours when the family is getting ready for school and eating breakfast, even though he could wait to sleep until the kids are gone at school.
  5. He eats meals separate from the family/ often says he’s not hungry.
  6. He spends more time at friends’ houses than at home or with the family.
  7. He doesn’t want to spend any money on the family, or he doesn’t want to go anywhere or plan any activities or events with the family.
  8. He often claims he/the family cannot afford things that you in fact can.
  9. He hides his income, withholds his pay from you.
  10. He buys himself things he doesn’t need when the family has needs without consulting you.
  11. He refuses to talk about or adhere to a family plan and or budget.
  12. He wants to stay home more often than not, rather than go with family to things.
  13. He won’t talk to anyone, and does this often. When he does talk he snaps at everyone.
  14. He talks about quitting  his job all the time even though he has made no effort to arrange a  new job.

Remember this is the ultimate number one reason for divorce all around and generally it is women getting the divorces because women and children are usually the target and victims of this attitude problem. Obviously there is a difference between a man who does not take care of his family and man who complains about it. However who really wants to stay with a person for years who cannot stop complaining about the people he supposedly loves so much? Everyone complains and sometimes people vent and lash out when they are mad, tired, or hungry, and it is important for families to talk and to stand up to each other. You cannot beat around the bush and expect results, that includes men and women. If you are sick of providing all the income and think you have a reasonable complaint then say it out loud and say why. If you are sick of listening to your man whine and claim you are not working when you take care of 3 under age ten children all day and do all the house work then say it out loud.

Make sure when you talk about anything this important that you sit down with NO kids in the house (or in the room if that is not practical). Make sure you are not distracted by anything. NO phones in hand, no texting, no phone calls, no tv, no games, no guests. Just you two sitting talking. If you cannot get your man to do this then tell him you have had enough and you want a divorce/want to end the relationship and wont tolerate a man too  busy or too bitter to sit and have family talk time. Family talk time is the most difficult thing to get done and to find time for in a relationship because everyone is legitimately busy a lot. However, most people also don’t do enough to cut the crap and put stuff they don’t need to do aside to make time for family talk time. Family talk time is NOT family meeting time, it’s adult only time. You have to be able to have this or the relationship is doomed to continue down a spiraling path of dissatisfaction. The bottom line is a man who cannot or will not do this is not family material. He is not relationship material either.

A man cannot live only in his own little world in his head, and can’t expect his family to tolerate him creating a world where he is too busy , too hostile or too lazy to join in on the family time. A man must build his family up, not tear it down. If a man complains publicly about his family he should be ignored and shamed. I mean that literally. A man should NEVER ever disrespect his family in public, it’s a disgrace.  A man who does this often does not deserve his family and should be ignored as he ignores his family.

Remember girls you only have to put up with what you tolerate. You do not need a 4th “baby” to take care of, you need a man, a real man. Real men provide and don’t cry like little children about it. It’s not worth it to drag out empty relationships with men like these. You are not a free sex buddy and your kids are not his visitors. If your man can’t hack it, find someone who can.

 

Family Issues w/Your Man

Who’s Money is Who’s?

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At first glance you may notice this post instantly has the same ring to it as my post “His House or Our House?” about who’s house you’re living in is which you can read here if you haven’t already. You’d be right. The most important thing to remember in a relationship that escalates to living together married or not is that once you dedicate to living in the same home, you are dedicating to family. If you can’t dedicate to family, family ideas, family planning or family centric values then you should NOT make the leap to living together or even stay in a long term relationship. In fact, every relationship you involve yourself in you should be honest from the first day you go on a date. I want a family or I do not want a family. If you want a family at any point in time you must enter EVERY relationship as a family oriented person, otherwise your relationships will fail. You don’t have to have kids right this second but you need to be open and honest and realize most women are not in the habit of waiting around decades for men to grow up and finally be family centric.

When it comes to the family finances remember it’s not yours, mine and ours. It’s always OURS. Your money is your families money, and therefore you are not being a good family member by withholding it from your family. A family must thrive on trust. If you feel you cannot trust your partner with money and need to hide it, or take it away, withhold it, or have separate accounts so the other can’t get the money then you have a serious problem. It’s one thing to be the adults and not let children have access to the money because they are not responsible enough to use it wisely, but if the adults must hide money from each other then aren’t they really the children here?

It is a huge misconception by people that not having children or not being married negates a man’s responsibilities and means they don’t yet have a family. Family is what you make of it and consists of people you hold dear and love. A man or woman should not view each other as just “that other person I have sex with and hang out with when I have time to.” If you are not going act as family it is probably just best to date but not commit to anyone. It is best not to live together. Even if you do not live together it doesn’t get you out of your responsibility to take care of each other. You cannot really be honest and say you truly love a person if you are unwilling to share your income with them.

If you live with a person you feel you have to hide money from because they are irresponsible and won’t pay bills, or will take it and buy things they don’t need like drugs or alcohol, then you need to consider the better alternative which is leave the relationship for a person who is trustworthy. You cannot keep hiding from your own mate to keep the peace. It is better to end the relationship than to constantly have to fight off your irresponsible mate.

So what if we both want to have a family budget but also our own money? Ok then my suggestion is that you take ALL the income of the family and pool it together. You should NOT let so and so have more extra cash because he or she brings in more money than the other. Make a monthly budget to allot money for the bills and needs of the family. Then assign any funds to things such as savings for vacations, education or whatever your personal goals are with the pooled money. Make a categorical discernment between needs and extras, this way if you can’t reach every goal each month you can at least hopefully make the needs goals and not worry so much about extras. Set actual dollar values to these. For example allot $100 each month to your vacation fund, categorized as extras. For bills which fluctuate set the minimum set aside to the higher end of the bill. Example the water bill is anywhere between $40-$75. The water bill is a need to pay. So set the minimum set aside which should be untouchable, to $75 per month. You should never trade your needs for your wants, no matter how hard it is sometimes.  Always make sure to assign which bills will be paid from which paychecks as sometimes you may have to save this months last paycheck to pay next months rent. Once you have made that monthly budget for the year, you have your monthly guide. So once ALL bills and goals are met, then take whatever is left over that month, and split it in half. Now each adult has their own personal cash to do whatever they want with free and clear of worry about bills and goals being met. This is a proven method and I believe every family should have a budget every month.

I have personally used this method before and was eventually complimented by my partner who did not want to do it but gave it a try. He found that he had way more money than he had before and was doing better because money was being allotted wisely. Yet he had more to spend on things he didn’t need because he followed a budget. It really does work. You may not need such an advanced budget yourself but for two people you really need something like this. Make sure your partner is actually physically following the plan, and that both people are either presenting physical cash or placing all funds into a joint account until goals are met and then only transfer money out to each partner when you have assessed all monthly goals are paid for. If that means you need to transfer some funds to a savings account go for it but pool money together first.

It’s important that both adults be equals. One partner shouldn’t have to pay half the bills “equally” adding up to 80% of their income while the other pays half the bills equal to only 20% of  their income, and then get to have 80% more personal cash than the other. It will cause resentment.

Family Issues w/Your Man

My Man Won’t Eat His Meals!

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Most women who have lived with a man, especially those who have been, or are married now have probably experienced this “phenomenon.” A man who refuses to eat the meals she prepares with the rest of the family, for some reason or another. Sometimes it’s just a few meals a month and sometimes it’s several meals a day. If you are having issues with a man who wants to eat separate from you for no legitimate reason, then you have a spoiled baby for a man. The following are NOT legitimate excuses not to eat meals with the family or to eat different food than the family:

  1. because he doesn’t like that meal
  2. because he doesn’t like the meal sides
  3. because he’s not hungry right now
  4. because he’s tired of eating that
  5. because he wants something else
  6. because he is “too busy” but he’s at home

A man’s duty is to his family and his partner and it is important to have meal time together. It’s more important to spend this time with family and not worry about your meal. Sometimes meal time is one of the only times a family has to be together at the same time. This time cannot be wasted on complaining about the meal prepared. This time is not time to run out to the McDonald’s and go grab something else. This time is not time to whine or argue. This time is not time to go hide in your car or garage sneaking a McSandwhich. It’s childish, it’s selfish and it sets a bad example to the kids. Girls, make sure you make it clear you are not making special meals for everyone who doesn’t want what’s for dinner. If you wouldn’t prepare specials or make exceptions for the kids you don’t prepare specials for your man either. In addition, snubbing your meals is wasteful and can cost your family hundreds of dollars in lost food money to wasted food. That can become extremely expensive.

If right now you are saying; “but what if they really aren’t hungry?” Well one of the reasons they probably REALLY aren’t hungry is because they’re eating separate meals on a separate schedule from the rest of the family. If your man has a schedule different than the rest of the family as far as eating times go that can pose an issue. However, it is most likely that he is simply making up an excuse to get out of eating his meals. He probably wants to eat fast food from a convenience store or fast food restaurant.

“So… is it ok for him to go eat at the fast food place?” NO! In general, too much fast food is bad for your health and can cost lots of money later in medical conditions as well as being extremely expensive for the family budget. Your man might say : “It’s just a $4 sandwich!” This sounds cheap but it’s not, if your man eats 3 $4 sandwiches even 5 days per week he is spending $3,120 on sandwiches per year. So clearly if you couple that with a soda or coffee you can just about double that price. Do you really have $6k a year to spend on one person eating meals alone?

I know what some of you are thinking, this sounds sexists or stereotypical and unfair. Well frankly the truth hurts and it’s only a stereotype because it’s based in reality. More women complain about their men refusing to eat meals than any other thing that occurs in the house. So this is a matter of men not wanting to be part of the family. Your man cannot continue this anti-family attitude. He needs to show the kids, that eating healthy meals at home and spending time together is much more important than having a cheesy sandwich 3 times per day.

Here are some examples of legitimate excuses for your man to be absent from meals or have special plates:

  1.  allergy to the food
  2. They are gone out of the house at work
  3. guys night out with dinner plans
  4. out with family on a planned family occasion while not home with you/kids
  5. they are legitimately ill (flu)
  6. special medical needs
  7. occasional inability to eat (lack of hunger)

Even if your man is not hungry at the time of your meal, for real, not for fake, he still needs to sit with the family at the dinner table for as many meal times as possible. He can still chat with the family and help the kids eat. He does not need to sit in the living room watching the t.v. while you and the kids are at the table eating meals without him. Even if your man has work and needs to eat meals away from the home, he can bring left overs with him. He doesn’t need to try to be cool by buying “cool” fast food. Who cares if his buds think he’s lame for bringing the left over meat loaf to work? He can respond by saying “My family is cooler than your cheesy sandwich.”

Ways you can minimize the issue of your man not wanting his meals is to split cooking days in half and he can then make meals he really likes too for you and the kids. Also you can make a meal schedule on a computer on a monthly bases where he gets to pick as many meals as you to serve the family. If the family wants a treat of fast food or a sit down restaurant then schedule it in and EVERYBODY goes. Now this doesn’t mean you can’t have girls or boys night out or make arrangements for when you’re on vacation or some such, just the main daily routine should be this way.

So if you are saying; “Yeah but my man refuses to sit down and schedule meals.”, or “He won’t tell me what he wants to eat ever.” Then you need to consider a divorce/end of the relationship. Not eating meals with family, and refusing to answer legitimate important questions for the family’s benefit, and especially refusing to make plans, all while complaining  (i.e. he doesn’t want his meals) are all red light warning signs your man is NOT family material. At this point you must reflect that since he does not want to plan meals he needs to eat what he is served or there will need to be consequences to his anti-family actions.

“Well but he says he works so it’s his money and should be able to buy or eat what he wants.” WRONG! I will cover the money issue in another blog post more in depth but as far as this post is concerned, it makes no difference who is or is not working and getting the paycheck. The family must work as one unit, not two. When a man is bull headed making unilateral decisions, you have two units, him alone working against the family and you and the kids working for the family. This cannot occur or there will be a rift in the family unit.

Again a man who can’t get over this issue is likely not family material. Frankly you and the kids would do better apart from him. He can be single so he can have his meals his way and sit alone. While you and your kids can have your meals together and satisfaction of family time without a bump on a log stinking up the atmosphere with their poopy attitude.

“But this sounds so harsh.” It’s not. You are likely already excusing and placating your man by wondering if you are being too strict, too “nagy” or too “controlling.” If you think this way, then your man has already beaten you and won the “who’s in control” contest that shouldn’t be occurring in the relationship. So does this mean it’s partly your fault he’s doing this? No. It means it’s your fault you are miserable about it. If you can’t do what it takes to do right for the entire family you can’t fix the issues. Remember if he can’t grow up then he is simply not a part of the family and you need to do what’s right to take care of the family that IS.

So bottom line is if none of the recommendations here fix the issue it’s time to move on without him. Seriously.