Advice about Men

My Man Won’t Get a Real Job

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So you are in a relationship, your man is 30+, and he still works for the local burger flipper shop? You and your man have kids, or the goal to have kids, but he won’t look for better paying job. What do you do?

What you do about this issue depends on what your status is. If you are not married/engaged, not living together, and you don’t have any kids then you have no reason to care what job he has,unless you have goals to have those things soon. If you have been talking about marriage or moving in together then you need to have a serious talk about expectations for the future. Make it clear that it will be very unrealistic to have a family on burger flipper wages (although you don’t have to say it that way).Remember that you are looking for a future, a future where family is number one, unless you don’t care about having a family, in which case you can always just get your own house and pay your own bills. If family is your goal, and soon, make it clear to your man. Make it clear you are specifically looking for a “can doer” not a man who doesn’t care about his future.

If your current status is married/engaged, if you live together (even if you’re not married) if you have children together (even if you aren’t married or aren’t living together) or any combination thereof, then you cannot tolerate a man who refuses to get a big boy job. A man who “can’t” get a bog boy job is a can’t doer. You may have a can’t doer if your man exhibits any of these signs, especially if he exhibits them habitually:

  1. He always has an excuse why he can’t or won’t look for new jobs
  2. He says he doesn’t want every job he could be doing
  3. He refuses to follow up with jobs he has applied for, or doesn’t show up to interviews
  4. He won’t keep jobs that have better pay and better hours for seemingly no reason
  5. Even when he is offered big boy jobs and easy hires by family and friends he doesn’t accept the offer

If your man exhibits these signs you may have one of two major problems with your man: A)Your man doesn’t really want to work or B) Your man doesn’t want a job that allows him to be home more,because he doesn’t want to deal with his family. If your man exhibits ALL of these signs habitually it’s a good guess one or both of these major problems is present.

As woman of the house you need to have an intervention immediately if this is happening. A man who does not reasonably utilize offers, easy interviews,easy hires, or opportunities for better pay, better hours and better jobs, in general is not taking proper cares of his family.

So what can YOU do to get through to your man or fix the two major issues likely causing your man to not get a big boy job? First you can try a conversation, but remember during these important conversations the rules should always be:

  1. No phones
  2. No kids
  3. No guests
  4. No TV
  5. No games
  6. No distractions

You need to directly ask if he is not getting these jobs because he doesn’t want to work or because he doesn’t want to deal with his family and home. See what he says. He likely won’t admit either. If he seems to answer honestly no to both, then perhaps your man has a motivation problem. If he says yes to either question then continue further with more questions as to why?

At the point where you either get no answers or figure out the answers, understand that, lack of motivation, not wanting to work, not wanting to deal with family or the house, are not acceptable excuses not to get a big boy job. If he has reasons home life is not fun for him it is HIS duty to be a grown up and to deal with the issues at home and find resolutions to them by actually voicing the issues and talking to you. His choice not to voice his issues or avoiding un-fixable issues, such as kids being kids and being lots of work, are not reasonable excuses to be gone at a junk-o job all day.

It’s up to you to be diligent in demanding that he take proper care of his family. Men do not do well as stay at home “mommies” because they become jealous and restless. It could actually make home life worse if you go to work and he stays home, but you could try it if it seems like it might work, and you can get a better job than he currently has. Otherwise you need to make it clear you will not tolerate him being a “can’t doer”.

So what do I do if he won’t change? Well he probably won’t change. People either want families or they don’t. A man chooses to be involved or run away, using his job as an excuse to “escape.” He is likely not going to change, ever. My advice is, that if none of the above ideas works, you plan a breakup or divorce as the consequence for the lack of care of the family. A man’s duty doesn’t disappear just because it’s year 2017. He has every responsibility to give his family the best life he can and that includes a mix of good working hours, and pay. Or, you can decide to live poor and unhappy. Keep in mind it may actually be more to your benefit to be poor and single and happy. Happy you don’t have a can’t doer in the way of your future goals.

Decisions are not easy but let’s be real, most women don’t get depressed they don’t have a husband, they get depressed because without a husband women often can’t earn enough to pay the bills and take care of the kids alone. This is not to say we don’t long for a partner in life but that partner must also be longing for us. A man has no purpose in life if he is not protecting, defending and caring for his family.

 

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Family Issues w/Your Man

I’m a Stay at Home Mom and Everyone Says I Need to Get a Job…

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Ok so you are a stay at home mom and people are telling you, you need to get a job? OK it’s time for an INTERVENTION! You are NOT jobless. You HAVE a job, it’s called parenting your child(ren). It is a REAL job and it’s the toughest job there is to do in life and the most important. When other people tell you, you need to get a job, YOU, need to defend yourself immediately. When people suggest to you that you need to do something, you need to be prepared to let them know how YOU feel about it.

First and foremost despite contrary belief, public opinion does not matter and does not rule your house, your life or your family. The idea that you or anyone owes society anything is absurd. You do not owe your country or economy anything. This is a free country and you do not need to explain yourself or your decisions to society. You do not need society’s permission to stay home and take care of your children. Society also has to accept responsibility for it’s role in making women choose between family and careers, it’s own role in keeping wages unlivable, and it’s combined decision to try to make women into super human beings that simply cannot exist. This is our society’s fault not yours. No amount of planning changes the outcome of the economy. No amount of planning changes life’s quips and downfalls. No amount of planning will change the wages of this country. You are not responsible for society’s mistakes and inability to function properly.

If it is your man (husband, boyfriend,fiance) saying you need a job, then you need to have a serious sit down discussion about the issue. If you are not working because you simply don’t want other people raising your kids, then you have made a good choice and a fair one. If you have chosen to stay home because you cannot afford daycare and/or the pay you can make is too low to warrant the sacrifice/cost of going to work, then your decision to stay home is not only fair but mathematically appropriate. Your man must learn that you are a separate human than him and every other person on the planet and that your beliefs are as important as others are. Your desire to give your children the best care is to be admired not degraded and you must make it clear that:

  1. You will not be told what to do, you are an adult
  2. You will not dump your children off on babysitters just because other moms choose to
  3. You will not be compared to anyone else
  4. You will not work for meager wages
  5. You will not be made a fool of
  6. You will not tolerate a man who does not have consideration for your choices and who doesn’t back up your decisions
  7. You will not pay another person all your wages so she can buy her children name brand clothes while your child goes without because you are paying her all your wages
  8. That you won’t tolerate jealousy
  9. That you work hard and won’t tolerate being told otherwise
  10. That you have a job and have no time for another one right now
  11. That you will find someone who is happy to have a top notch mother to raise and teach her own children if he doesn’t want you
  12. That you are proud of your decision to raise your own children

You absolutely must nip this in the bud right away. It’s ok to have reasonable joint-discussions about work and etc. But remember YOU are YOU and YOU have the right to decide what YOU do with YOUR life. When you are ready to work, go. When you can afford to work, go. When you are happy that your kids are ready for you to go to work, then go. Until then don’t let anybody tell you, you need to leave them for sub-par wages, or unappreciative employers who won’t pay anything for your sacrifice. Your man needs to do whatever it takes to back you up and make it easy for you and to compliment and be proud of his stay at home mom. If he’s not… it’s time to consider saying goodbye.

If anyone other than your companion is telling you this it’s time to let them know as nice as you can muster, “Excuse me, but that is none of your business and the discussion is over. I have made my choice and decision and this is my family not yours. ” Let others know their snarky comments are not welcome and that you are proud of your choice and owe society nothing. That you are not going to have this discussion again. If you may be single and relying on family to help they need to be realistic and consider the reality is that for most single moms, minimum wage is nowhere near livable and blatantly anyone who says otherwise cannot do simple math. No matter how many times people try to rig the numbers you cannot live reasonably out of poverty without assistance on minimum wage. It’s blatantly impossible. I won’t put up with any cockamamie statistic showing any different, because all of them can be easily debunked with basic math. A family is better off doing whatever it can to assist their family member in staying home till the mother can afford to work and has done her job raising the little ones. The value of parenting your own children alone is worth the family’s sacrifice in helping. A family who turns on their own, especially a mother who wants to raise her own children and who does not assist in this has no place of honor in my book.

It’s important to remember one of the reasons this pressure is so intense is that men are easily jealous of women. They are jealous when they don’t work because then they feel like they are being mooched off of rather than feeling proud to defend, protect and provide for their family, a sad truth, that isn’t desirable. The second is that women and especially other moms are easily jealous because they have to work or had to work. Some moms can’t wait to dump their children off anywhere they can. Be it preschool, camp, school, boarding school, babysitter, mom and pop, family members, foot ball, Boy scouts etc anything so they don’t have to do any work themselves this is a FACT. Women like this can’t handle the pressure of their own children and can’t relate to actually caring to be home with them. Other women have had help with free babysitters and can’t relate to the outrageous cost of daycare.

If I offered your man this job:

  1. Work hours 24 hours per day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
  2. No holidays off
  3. No sick time
  4. Vacation random if any
  5. No time of for wounds, injuries you will work even if you have broken your leg or just had surgery
  6. Multitasking expected
  7. job requires, scheduling appointments,attending appointments, driving to and fro, shopping, 40 loads of laundry per week, folding, dressing others, cutting food into tiny pieces, getting up 400 times per day, cleaning spills, cooking, vacuuming, taking out the trash, dusting, answering phone calls, bathing others, reading, writing lists, sleeping when you can fit it in, going hungry to make others meals and go without clothes, food, and medical care so you can get your duties done
  8. No appreciation
  9. No pay

Do you think he would accept this job? I don’t. Remember this is the job a stay at home mom does. Demand the appreciation you have earned. Stand your ground. Make it clear you’re not going to be badgered by anyone.

 

 

Advice about Men

Should I Date A Man Who Works Out of State/In the Military/On the Railroad?

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So, you are considering dating someone who works out of state, works in the military or on the railroad? Or maybe you are already dating one, or even married to one and are wondering if you should continue that relationship or not? To answer the question you need to figure out which combination of these people you are; a Passive, an Aggressive, an Independent, a Companionist.

Now, honestly most people won’t fit completely in any one category but you can get a good idea of if this man is right for you by finding out which categories you fit in the most.

Category A-Passives

You may be a Passive if:

  1. You get pushed by someone and do not push back.
  2. You don’t mind if another person makes most of the decisions around you.
  3. You don’t care what you eat or what you do for fun.
  4. You can live anywhere and be happy.
  5. You go with the flow and it doesn’t bother you.
  6. You agree mostly with laws, rules and decisions people in authority make.
  7. You are quiet, meek, soft spoken, easily afraid of things.

Category B- Aggressives

You may be an Aggressive if:

  1. You get pushed by someone and you push back.
  2. You want to make most of the decisions around you or want to be a apart of the planning process.
  3. You want to decide what’s for dinner and plan out vacations and fun time.
  4. You have a particular idea of where you want to live, do not like to move around a lot, like things to stay the way you like them.
  5. You don’t let others persuade you to do anything you do want to do or don’t like.
  6. You challenge laws, rules, and decisions others make, and/or question authority.
  7. You are outspoken, not easily intimidated, fearless.

Category C- Independents

You may be an Independent if:

  1. You don’t need to be around other people to be happy, you like being alone most of the time.
  2. You would prefer to listen to music on your headphones, read books, or go take a nap rather than chit chat with others or join in on social events, even family ones.
  3. You juggle work, school, pay all the bills, never ask anyone for help, even when it would be helpful to do so.
  4. You feel like help is charity and it makes you feel bad to accept it so you don’t.
  5. You have your own business or aspire to have your own business where you are sole proprietor or you strive to be manager or leader of your employer’s business.
  6. If your car gets a flat, you are calm and collected, and fix your own flat tire.
  7. When you make a decision you do not consider anyone else in the decision and do not ask anyone else what they think or feel about it.

Category D- Companionist

You may be a Companionist if:

  1. You would rather be with friends and family most of the time.
  2. You prefer to chit chat, talk on the phone, and play games with others and engage in social and family events.
  3. You have trouble figuring out what to do with yourself, you feel scared to do too much without others, you ask others to help you with things.
  4. You have no issue accepting charity or help because you know you need it and don’t reject assistance.
  5. You want to work for others, or have a family or partner based business.
  6. If you get a flat tire you freak out, don’t know what to do, call your besty, your mom, your mechanic etc for help and feel like the world has come to an end.
  7. When you make a decision you consider it carefully and consider everyone who could be possibly involved or effected, you call up your besty to ask what she/he thinks about it, you include others in the decision.

So add up how many of each example best fits you in each category. My guess is most of you will fit into two of the categories almost equally; Passive-Independent and Aggressive- Companionist. This may at first seem strange, shouldn’t the passive be also the Companionist and shouldn’t the Aggressive be also the Independent? Of course you can be as well, but I think you will find my guess to be accurate most of the time.

So who is and is not compatible with a man who works out of state/in the military/for the railroad?

If you fell into Passives, you are a good match for a man with one of these jobs because you are already the type of person who is willing to do whatever your man wants you to do. If he wants to move for his job, you’ll probably come with. You probably won’t argue over much with him and he will like that since he’s gone most of the time and wants things to be his way because of his job choice. You will likely adjust to any situation arising from his job.If he says “I want to leave for four weeks to train on a mini gun.” You’ll say “Ok.”

If you fell under Aggressives, you are NOT a good match for a man with one of these jobs. You are probably not going to do whatever he wants or needs you to do to put up with his career choice. You are probably not going to tolerate him making all the decisions which he will basically do because life will be all about his career choice. By default you will be unable to work with him in the long run because his career will always be more important to him than what you want to do with life. This will likely cause a serious clash.

If you fell under the Independents category then it’s ify. On the one hand, you could do well since you aren’t going to be sad if he is gone as much as you might if you weren’t so ok with being by yourself. You’re very capable and happy to deal with things while he’s gone and not need him a lot. On the other hand if you are too self centered, you may clash if you simply don’t really care that much if he’s home or not. Some guys who work these jobs are great family men while most frankly are not. So this one is up to you to think about.

If you fell under the Companionist category you are not a good match for a man like this unless he is a solid family man when he is home and IF when he makes decisions about his career he consults first with you which is unlikely and rare, but possible. For the most part though he will be gone most of the time. When he is home he will likely find excuses to sleep or be gone more. He may also spend more time with friends and others than you and that won’t work for you. He will probably expect you to be independent but this doesn’t work for a Companionist. He will likely not be available for holidays, family events, children’s’ concerts, dances, games, recitals etc. A Companionist wants someone who is there with them at these events as much as possible.

If you fall into a combination of categories take the time to decide the consequences of the outcome of your personal combo. Remember in general these men will have no time for you or children, will likely not want a woman who has her own ideas and goals for the future unless those are his goals and ideas as well. He will probably miss most family and social events. If this is ok with you, then go for it, if it is not, say no.