Women in Society

Is Marriage Realistic for Modern Women?

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Now this is the big question for women that women oddly often never ask themselves: Is marriage realistic for me in this era? Women are usually groomed from birth to daydream and ponder their future life about who they are going to marry, where they will live, what their house will look like, and how many kids they will have. In fact, I seem to have very fond memories of childhood in which we played lots of silly games with paper that would predict who we would marry and what their name would be and etc. Lots of fun, but it wasn’t until this year that I realized how silly all of that really was and how girls should be brought up wondering what they will do for themselves and what they will do to become the best person of their own right, and not necessarily defined by other people (i.e. their kids, a husband).

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting kids or a family but perhaps we spend too much time worrying about that when it’s only just a part of our lives not the entire thing. Women have had to set aside the rest of their lives for the benefit of their husbands and children for thousands of years and while this is the highest most respectable thing a mother and wife can do for her family, that is, to sacrifice for others, it is not necessarily the best thing a woman can do for herself.

In the modern era women more and more are reaching out for more than just the homemaker/wife life. So the question is, is marriage an old out dated tradition that really just keeps women down? Frankly I think the answer is yes. Not that it can’t work for some couples, not that I especially love broken homes or separated families, but there seems to be very little room in society, at least ours, despite being modern, for women who actually want to be individuals as well as moms and wives. Is it honestly possible for us to keep believing that two individuals can become one, magically because they wear fancy clothing and have a spiritual priest say they are married? I really don’t think so.

Evidence shows more and more that women are moving away from the idea of man as head of household, and of being arbitrarily morphed with their husband’s identity. Even laws now separate husband and wives in certain areas of law. Women are not so much taking the last names of their husbands anymore. Hyphenating their last names has become the new trend while some actually keep their original last name or even have the husband change their last name to theirs. Children are also being named after their mother’s last name or being hyphenated out of respect for both parents as opposed to only the father. In this trend we can see women are tired of being Mrs. Man. They want to be an individual as well as a family. There is nothing wrong with this. Men have always been allowed to be individuals and wives ought to as well.

For the most part women are now educating themselves and have been fighting back and forth between needing/wanting to stay home with children for financial reasons or because they want to take care of their own children, and going to work or school or just exploring life a bit on their own. These decisions would be a lot easier to make if we did not live in a world that expects women to do nothing but dream of their future life as a bride of a man, or mother of her children or wife of her husband. I could go one with specifics but I want to keep this post simple today. Society does not afford women the opportunities to do all they want to do. It’s not just because of financial limitations but because society expects women to give up what they want and give up their individuality as a wife/mother.

I think that each woman has to decide for themselves if they need or want to be married. I think this society has unfairly stigmatized women with the responsibility to be married and have a husband that takes care of them in order to function without being in poverty. The fact is, most women cannot earn enough to live without a partner which has been the root cause of most of women’s fight for individuality and independence. Phylilis Schlafly said (after the Paycheck Fairness Act was blocked by congress) that; “Women who make as much as men wouldn’t find good husbands.” This tells you alot about her generation. Now in respect Mrs. Schlafly has recently died (rest her soul in peace) but perhaps it resonates the death of an era of women brain washed into being reliant on husbands to live life? How often do we hear the term welfare queen, but never bother to ask why women can’t earn enough money to live without a husband, or why her husband or child’s father is not providing for his family?  This makes women feel like it’s all up to them to keep a family together. Isn’t it true we don’t think anything of it when men are single and have kids?

The possibility that marriage just isn’t the modern answer for society has rarely openly crossed the minds of our people. While I do make posts on advice on how a family, a man, a woman, a wife or husband should behave in relationships, and do in reality hope for everyone that family can work out, this does not change the question as to whether marriage is truly working for our society at this point. We simply do not afford women the life they deserve, and if a marriage is going to work well in this era it will have to be one that does for women what society does not do, which is to allow for her to be an individual with equal rights and respect and to not just be the one that a husband dumps the kids off on while he runs off to invest in his own career and life away from home. Until this day comes when both society and families do this, women I think, may need to have respite for a few centuries from marriage, to move forward to push this society into a future where women are rewarded for being dedicated moms, rewarded fairly for their work, where women’s jobs bring in real earnings, where we don’t morph them with their husbands. A society where they can be allowed to breath, spread their wings. be sick without penalty, take a break and not be expect to be the super human sacrificial lamb of the family.

What do you think?

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Family Issues w/Your Man

Who’s Money is Who’s?

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At first glance you may notice this post instantly has the same ring to it as my post “His House or Our House?” about who’s house you’re living in is which you can read here if you haven’t already. You’d be right. The most important thing to remember in a relationship that escalates to living together married or not is that once you dedicate to living in the same home, you are dedicating to family. If you can’t dedicate to family, family ideas, family planning or family centric values then you should NOT make the leap to living together or even stay in a long term relationship. In fact, every relationship you involve yourself in you should be honest from the first day you go on a date. I want a family or I do not want a family. If you want a family at any point in time you must enter EVERY relationship as a family oriented person, otherwise your relationships will fail. You don’t have to have kids right this second but you need to be open and honest and realize most women are not in the habit of waiting around decades for men to grow up and finally be family centric.

When it comes to the family finances remember it’s not yours, mine and ours. It’s always OURS. Your money is your families money, and therefore you are not being a good family member by withholding it from your family. A family must thrive on trust. If you feel you cannot trust your partner with money and need to hide it, or take it away, withhold it, or have separate accounts so the other can’t get the money then you have a serious problem. It’s one thing to be the adults and not let children have access to the money because they are not responsible enough to use it wisely, but if the adults must hide money from each other then aren’t they really the children here?

It is a huge misconception by people that not having children or not being married negates a man’s responsibilities and means they don’t yet have a family. Family is what you make of it and consists of people you hold dear and love. A man or woman should not view each other as just “that other person I have sex with and hang out with when I have time to.” If you are not going act as family it is probably just best to date but not commit to anyone. It is best not to live together. Even if you do not live together it doesn’t get you out of your responsibility to take care of each other. You cannot really be honest and say you truly love a person if you are unwilling to share your income with them.

If you live with a person you feel you have to hide money from because they are irresponsible and won’t pay bills, or will take it and buy things they don’t need like drugs or alcohol, then you need to consider the better alternative which is leave the relationship for a person who is trustworthy. You cannot keep hiding from your own mate to keep the peace. It is better to end the relationship than to constantly have to fight off your irresponsible mate.

So what if we both want to have a family budget but also our own money? Ok then my suggestion is that you take ALL the income of the family and pool it together. You should NOT let so and so have more extra cash because he or she brings in more money than the other. Make a monthly budget to allot money for the bills and needs of the family. Then assign any funds to things such as savings for vacations, education or whatever your personal goals are with the pooled money. Make a categorical discernment between needs and extras, this way if you can’t reach every goal each month you can at least hopefully make the needs goals and not worry so much about extras. Set actual dollar values to these. For example allot $100 each month to your vacation fund, categorized as extras. For bills which fluctuate set the minimum set aside to the higher end of the bill. Example the water bill is anywhere between $40-$75. The water bill is a need to pay. So set the minimum set aside which should be untouchable, to $75 per month. You should never trade your needs for your wants, no matter how hard it is sometimes.  Always make sure to assign which bills will be paid from which paychecks as sometimes you may have to save this months last paycheck to pay next months rent. Once you have made that monthly budget for the year, you have your monthly guide. So once ALL bills and goals are met, then take whatever is left over that month, and split it in half. Now each adult has their own personal cash to do whatever they want with free and clear of worry about bills and goals being met. This is a proven method and I believe every family should have a budget every month.

I have personally used this method before and was eventually complimented by my partner who did not want to do it but gave it a try. He found that he had way more money than he had before and was doing better because money was being allotted wisely. Yet he had more to spend on things he didn’t need because he followed a budget. It really does work. You may not need such an advanced budget yourself but for two people you really need something like this. Make sure your partner is actually physically following the plan, and that both people are either presenting physical cash or placing all funds into a joint account until goals are met and then only transfer money out to each partner when you have assessed all monthly goals are paid for. If that means you need to transfer some funds to a savings account go for it but pool money together first.

It’s important that both adults be equals. One partner shouldn’t have to pay half the bills “equally” adding up to 80% of their income while the other pays half the bills equal to only 20% of  their income, and then get to have 80% more personal cash than the other. It will cause resentment.

Family Issues w/Your Man

Is My Man Jealous of Me?

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Ok so this is an interested subject that women may or may not realize exists in relationships with men. For those who do not realize it, it is very common for men to actually be jealous of their female partner. Men may be jealous of you for many reason but the most common reasons men are jealous are:

  1. When their woman makes more money than they do.
  2. When their woman has a “better” job/career than they do.
  3. When their woman is in a position of power or achievement such as President of a company.
  4. When women spend a lot of time at their job/out of town for work.
  5. Men are also often jealous of the women who stay home or have more time at home, especially when a man works out of town/state.

So if you are wondering if your man is jealous of you, the answer is probably yes. But if you are not sure there are some tell tale signs your man may be jealous of you:

  1. Your man is rude to you, seems short with you a great deal, or seems mopey.
  2. If when you get home from work he seems to want to start a fight with you about being gone or even other unrelated things.
  3. If your man is gone a lot and seems mopey or upset about never being able to attend things because he’s gone, or if he seems to want you to always wait to do things until he gets home, or if he seems like he doesn’t want you to do anything without him.
  4. If your man says things like “maybe you should stay home and I can get a second job” or “I don’t want you to have to work.” (These are not always signs he’s jealous but if you have said no more than once to this idea and he keeps going on about it, then it’s a sign of jealousy as well as control.)
  5. If you are the worker of the family and your man spends most of his time lazing around on the couch, sleeping or really doing nothing constructive.

So let’s break these signs down a little bit to understand them. Men are easy to anger as a whole, but even men who are more laid back will often start acting a bit brutish when they are jealous of their woman. Men are, at their core worker bees, despite the fake trendy attempt from society to smack women down about NOT working. Men actually for the most part believe it is their duty to be the bread winner of the family but are at odds with the fake trendy attitude of society. Sometimes men are actually confused as to if they should be mad women are not working or mad because they feel that if their woman has to work they are failing at their duty as a man. Some men though actually don’t want to work at all and want their woman to take care of them but yet are still angry because their hormones and their inner self is actually trying to tell them they are a failure because they are not being manly by sitting at home on their butts doing nothing. I believe that this kind of inner self battle has a great deal to do with modern men’s inability to be family material.

So if they feel this way why don’t they just spit it out and say something? Well first off men are not good at sharing their feelings. If they were they would be women 😉 right? Men mostly bottle up their feelings and fail to share because they think it will make them less manly to do so. It’s also very possible the man actually doesn’t realize that they are jealous of you. It’s scientific fact that other male animals will get angry and or depressed when they feel useless or don’t have anything to do. Humans are animals despite our self importance in thinking we are special magical beings void of nature’s laws.

Men will often be jealous of a woman who makes more money than they do or who is in a position of authority and power. One of the reasons is as I said; men feel inferior if a woman is doing what he perceives to be his job/a man’s job. Some men think women just shouldn’t make as much as men because they think women are weak and therefore incapable of doing the job as well as them. They often also feel threatened by women in power who are capable of being self sufficient without them because they are afraid the women might leave them or not need them anymore. This is despite the fact men act mad when they are expected to take care of their families, despite them pretending they think women should work so they don’t have to pay for everything and despite men attempting to be trendy non-sexists. This mind set is confirmed by the fact men will leave their families (often a working wife and kids) for women who are in economic woe whom they see as needy , easy targets to replace their wife with. Unfortunately they then almost always automatically revert to their outward trendy “non-sexist” expectation this new woman should work, and thus the cycle continues for them.

Men who refuse to work or who won’t get real jobs, or who mope around the house are frankly not good men to have a family with in my book, unless you have made the co-decision he will stay home and you will work. Even still, it’s not particularly good for men to do because of the reasons I have outlined. IF your man is a stay at home dad, which I’m not the hugest fan of, then if he is doing his duty to the kids and home and does the grocery shopping and all the things stay at home mom does, then he has a job too. However, it may not be the best job for all men to do. Men become restless and need to burn off energy and testosterone. Most men just can’t do this being moms to kids because women are naturally designed to be care taker, nester, gatherer, organizer and men are not. So if this occurs it may be more practical for him to get a job, at least part-time. I also think that men may resent you being the bread winner, so it may not be worth it to try to be too over feminist when it comes to family matters, they clash quite often.

If you have a man who constantly wants you to quit your job for no reason other than he just doesn’t want you to work or he seems over-sensitive about you being at work you may have a serious issue. If your man never wants you to do anything with other people without him until he gets home or because he doesn’t want you enjoying anything when you are gone, you are in the danger zone. Men of this nature are exhibiting both jealousy issues and control issues. Controlling men are generally run by fear and jealousy. They are afraid their woman might be looked at or talked to by another male. They may actually be abusive and trying to get you secluded from your support system like your friends and family, maybe even your children. Seclusion is a tactic used by abusive and controlling men to isolate you from anyone he thinks can protect or defend you or take you away from him. Keep a keen eye on this type of behavior and don’t fall into the trap.

Remember society has honestly confused men of this generation because men do not know if they should be forcing you to work or forcing you to stay home. Their buddies are all divorced or single and telling them they should be mad about taking care of their families. Society is telling moms to dump their kids off at daycare and work for piddles. So it’s important to have real conversations about these issues at home and nip them in the bud as soon as possible. A man should always expect to do his duty to take care of his woman and kids even if he is not married. A woman should always expect to do her duty as a woman to nurture and take care of her children and man. When men and women want to reverse roles or blur the line between roles, remember it should be everyone’s personal choice, nothing ever by force or intimidation and be cautious because we can spew all the trendy crap we want but in reality nature has equipped men and women with different bodies, different hormones and therefore different purposes and natural talents. To pretend otherwise would be naive.

At the end of the day if you can’t have a conversation about this issue and resolve it, it may be time to move on to someone who can function in a fair relationship with you.

Women in Society

Does Society Coddle Men?

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The quick answer is YES. More often than not, society excuses the bad behavior of men and coddles them even when society knows what they have done is not appropriate. Oddly enough the biggest culprits of coddling men when they behave badly are actually women. Their moms, their wives/girlfriends, their aunts, even the female friends of the woman they wronged, are notorious for this coddling. Perhaps because women are coddlers in general. In addition, the courts and government coddles men and their multitudes of bad decisions even when in the reverse role a woman would be arrested for the same behavior. This does pose a significant problem in this day and age for mothers and children, and women in general.

One of the most outrageous examples of coddling is abusive men. The courts blatantly don’t protect women. Even if they do anything to finally stop years of abuse, stalking, or criminal treatment of women such as rape, men get barely a slap on the wrist. In many cases women are arrested just for defending themselves. The violence Against Women Act (VAWA) made it almost impossible for a woman to get an Order of Protection making them have to wait until they are physically assaulted to get an order. The states often refuse to enforce stalking laws even though 9 of 10 stalking victims end up murdered by their stalker. The sentences for stalking, abuse, murder and rape are in general less than a charge of possession of crystal meth. How outrageous.

Men are also let off the hook for abandoning their pregnant women, their wives and kids, even though there are abandonment laws. Those laws are not tough enough because so long as a he calls the mom once in a year he isn’t abandoning the kids according to the law. Never-mind he hasn’t seen his kids, changed one diaper or sent $1 for food to his kids. Some third world countries have actually started holding men accountable for abandonment yet our nation has given men a free pass on this. If a woman ran off to her job out of state and said; “Tough I’m too busy at my job to parent, I’m not gonna talk to you or come to any doctor’s appointments, I’m not changing any diapers and I’ll come around if and when I feel like.” she could be arrested for neglect and would never get equal custody of her kids in a court. Everyone would say she is a piece of trash and has no right to her kids, yet… men do this all the time and there are no consequences. In fact, most of them are rewarded in court and get equal custody so their new girlfriends can be their kids’ new half-time mommy/babysitter while he runs off to do whatever he wants to. This happens constantly. A woman would be shamed for choosing herself over her kids and be chastised and punished.

So what does this really say about our society? That despite pretending to be trendy modern equalitists, in actuality we are still resigned to the old “boys will be boys” attitude and that men’s careers are more important than women’s. That men only have to parent when they have time and feel like it, while women are excepted to be super human and achieve a career yet super mom status that’s impossible to achieve. Even when women dedicate their entire lives to their children we chastise them for not dumping them off at daycare and working minimum wage jobs. If we choose the good job that requires our time we are back at square one, under arrest for not taking care of the kids.

We also clearly still have the mentality that men are babies and need lots of help and time to do the right thing and it’s ok to fart around being inappropriate while “learning.” 30 year old men aren’t babies and don’t need or deserve to be treated like they are toddlers. Take for example men who run away or act like morons when they get a woman pregnant. Most of them don’t pay for any prenatal care, maternity clothes, baby clothes, car seat, bottles, diapers, wipes, our society won’t cover the women on insurance plans unless they are married even when the man is wiling to pay the extra for a premium increase. They don’t pay for the extra food cost of her 8 meals a day needed to keep healthy, prenatal vitamins, crib, they don’t pay for the baby’s birth or doctors visits, shoes, shelter, school supplies etc and then they have the audacity to cry if the court actually is able to find them and order them to pay a few dollars in support like someone just stole their chocolate chip cookie. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, from women, “Well maybe he is just confused and needs some time?”, or some other such nonsense. No what they need is for society to stop excusing them for acting like Peter Pan babies. They have no right to hurt the women they get pregnant or abandon their children or pretend to be 10 when they are 30 or 40. It’s not hard to know what to do or what your responsibility is. Yet on a daily basis women coddle these losers all throughout their days lost in Neverland, rather than scolding them to do the right thing for their children. Honestly most of them know what they are doing is wrong and they just don’t want to spend any of their money on their own kids or families.

I read and hear men ALL THE TIME, whining and complaining about taking care of their kids and families. It’s a disgrace! A man who complains about caring for his own deserves nothing and no one. The only time I have any sympathy is for unfair child support orders or draconian enforcement of child support, other than that there is no excuse to cry about your responsibilities. I’m amazed at how many women tolerate their men talking about their families behind their backs because most of them know their man is doing it. If I found out my man was whining about us, I’d ask him how he’d like it having no more family? Or how he’d feel if I left him for a real man that doesn’t complain about taking good care of his loved ones?

Aside from the worst consequences of women being abused, neglected, abandoned, raped, assaulted, stalked, murdered,  and left to raise children on their own or share custody with losers who actually aren’t doing half the parenting, women are clearly being held to a different separate and unfair standard of rules, behavior, expectations and laws. Punished for not putting up with being hit, by hitting back, expected to be bloodied to get protection from harm, ignored for being “immature” and not tolerating being texted 300 times per day, cussed at, followed everywhere they go by an ex… etc. This society clearly has a severe coddling issue with men.

Even simpler infractions and personal issues that aren’t criminal are often cause for the root of the problem. When people side with and coddle men too much they become entitled to act inappropriately. When there are no social consequences to disrespecting your women, your kids, your family, your exes, your friends, then there is no reason for them to not do it. So yes men are coddled way too much. There was a day when at least despite other sexist issues, men were expected to take care of their families. Today our society rewards them for not taking care of them. It’s astonishing how many women will fall for men who have abandoned their previous families thinking that the man is innocent and not to blame. It’s pretty bad when men take care of other women’s children before his own, yet it happens all the time. Perhaps they do it because they think if they choose vulnerable single moms she will put up with him? I don’t know for sure but we have a serious problem. This is why it is so important that we as women stop coddling men and stand up to them, whether they are your husband/boyfriend/fiance’, your son, your nephew, your brother, or your friend. Men like these give the good honest, good hearted, hard working, loving husbands, and dedicated loving dads a terrible name.

It’s time for America to keep up with third world countries when it comes to punishing the bad behavior of bad men. It’s time for our courts to protect women and families and punish men who don’t take care of their kids or pregnant women. Perhaps they should be investigated by DHS, made to take parenting classes, like women would have to if the role was reversed. Perhaps jail time for running away to another state to live with someone else while your kids are back home going “Um.. where’s daddy?”