So you are in a relationship, your man is 30+, and he still works for the local burger flipper shop? You and your man have kids, or the goal to have kids, but he won’t look for better paying job. What do you do?
What you do about this issue depends on what your status is. If you are not married/engaged, not living together, and you don’t have any kids then you have no reason to care what job he has,unless you have goals to have those things soon. If you have been talking about marriage or moving in together then you need to have a serious talk about expectations for the future. Make it clear that it will be very unrealistic to have a family on burger flipper wages (although you don’t have to say it that way).Remember that you are looking for a future, a future where family is number one, unless you don’t care about having a family, in which case you can always just get your own house and pay your own bills. If family is your goal, and soon, make it clear to your man. Make it clear you are specifically looking for a “can doer” not a man who doesn’t care about his future.
If your current status is married/engaged, if you live together (even if you’re not married) if you have children together (even if you aren’t married or aren’t living together) or any combination thereof, then you cannot tolerate a man who refuses to get a big boy job. A man who “can’t” get a bog boy job is a can’t doer. You may have a can’t doer if your man exhibits any of these signs, especially if he exhibits them habitually:
- He always has an excuse why he can’t or won’t look for new jobs
- He says he doesn’t want every job he could be doing
- He refuses to follow up with jobs he has applied for, or doesn’t show up to interviews
- He won’t keep jobs that have better pay and better hours for seemingly no reason
- Even when he is offered big boy jobs and easy hires by family and friends he doesn’t accept the offer
If your man exhibits these signs you may have one of two major problems with your man: A)Your man doesn’t really want to work or B) Your man doesn’t want a job that allows him to be home more,because he doesn’t want to deal with his family. If your man exhibits ALL of these signs habitually it’s a good guess one or both of these major problems is present.
As woman of the house you need to have an intervention immediately if this is happening. A man who does not reasonably utilize offers, easy interviews,easy hires, or opportunities for better pay, better hours and better jobs, in general is not taking proper cares of his family.
So what can YOU do to get through to your man or fix the two major issues likely causing your man to not get a big boy job? First you can try a conversation, but remember during these important conversations the rules should always be:
- No phones
- No kids
- No guests
- No TV
- No games
- No distractions
You need to directly ask if he is not getting these jobs because he doesn’t want to work or because he doesn’t want to deal with his family and home. See what he says. He likely won’t admit either. If he seems to answer honestly no to both, then perhaps your man has a motivation problem. If he says yes to either question then continue further with more questions as to why?
At the point where you either get no answers or figure out the answers, understand that, lack of motivation, not wanting to work, not wanting to deal with family or the house, are not acceptable excuses not to get a big boy job. If he has reasons home life is not fun for him it is HIS duty to be a grown up and to deal with the issues at home and find resolutions to them by actually voicing the issues and talking to you. His choice not to voice his issues or avoiding un-fixable issues, such as kids being kids and being lots of work, are not reasonable excuses to be gone at a junk-o job all day.
It’s up to you to be diligent in demanding that he take proper care of his family. Men do not do well as stay at home “mommies” because they become jealous and restless. It could actually make home life worse if you go to work and he stays home, but you could try it if it seems like it might work, and you can get a better job than he currently has. Otherwise you need to make it clear you will not tolerate him being a “can’t doer”.
So what do I do if he won’t change? Well he probably won’t change. People either want families or they don’t. A man chooses to be involved or run away, using his job as an excuse to “escape.” He is likely not going to change, ever. My advice is, that if none of the above ideas works, you plan a breakup or divorce as the consequence for the lack of care of the family. A man’s duty doesn’t disappear just because it’s year 2017. He has every responsibility to give his family the best life he can and that includes a mix of good working hours, and pay. Or, you can decide to live poor and unhappy. Keep in mind it may actually be more to your benefit to be poor and single and happy. Happy you don’t have a can’t doer in the way of your future goals.
Decisions are not easy but let’s be real, most women don’t get depressed they don’t have a husband, they get depressed because without a husband women often can’t earn enough to pay the bills and take care of the kids alone. This is not to say we don’t long for a partner in life but that partner must also be longing for us. A man has no purpose in life if he is not protecting, defending and caring for his family.